Transitioning to Adulthood (RoPeS)

The Bar/Bat Mitzvah for the Jews, the Quinceañera for most Hispanic communities, the Enkipaata & Emuraata for the Maasai, the Imbalu for the Bamasaba, and many many others.

All of these are ceremonies for transitioning from childhood to adulthood. Many African cultures had similar ceremonies, but with the rise of Christianity, huge swathes of these traditions were discarded. Sometimes for good reasons, sometimes because of biases that the early missionaries introduced. In its place, the Anglican and Catholic churches brought confirmation, which is the time a child (at least when I was growing up) was introduced to deeper forms of the liturgy, confirmed the faith that was professed for them at (infant) baptism, had a Bishop lay hands on them accepting them formally into the fullness of the church. At this point, the child can now receive all the sacraments of the church (although Holy Communion was the one we were most interested in coz of the wine!)

So where does that leave us? With the rise of so-called non-traditional churches, and with the way most churches run confirmation classes (3 or 4 meetings and talking strictly about the sacraments), this leaves a gap.

What does it mean to be an adult?

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

1 Cor 13:11, KJV

The cultural transition ceremonies cover things such as:

• Hunting – or learning to be a contributing member of the society
• Circumcision – includes preparing the child for becoming sexually aware
• Deprivation – teaching the child that an adult needs to be able to fend for themselves, and to go without, whereas before everything was provided for them
• Conversations with adults – the child is now accepted into the higher society and is part of clan/group decisions
• Spiritual Commitment – the child can now make their own independent commitment to the faith

When I look at this list, apart from the last (because I was confirmed as a 12 year old), my parents did not perform any of the above with, or for me:

1. I learnt about sex from my friends (and teenage boys are the WORST source of legit sexual knowledge). Also when I first watched what we used to call “blue” movies!
2. I learnt to fend for myself – the trials and tribulations of boarding school
3. I started to make independent decisions about my path to spirituality
4. The only adults I conversed with were school counsellors, friendly teachers, etc.

Now, interestingly, I think girls have an easier journey through childhood to adulthood. Perhaps because they have clearer markers of puberty – especially menstruation. Or because female conversations tend to be more open and focused? I don’t know.

Rites of Passage

Late in 2022, I got a call from a friend called Olga. She had been struggling with the same concerns, and – to cut a long story short – had identified a course run by Musana Camps [https://www.facebook.com/musanacampsuganda/] called RoPeS (Rites of Passages). Would I be interested in enroling my son, Tendai?

I was happy to.

And part of the commitment was that fathers (if you were enroling a boy) or mothers (for girls) had to attend specific courses in the 12 week preparation, and then attend the last day of the camp.

During the weeks of the course, the children were taken through a Biblical-based series teaching them about what it means to be an adult. Then there was a 1 week camp at the end.

The Camp

There is so much I want to say about this, but I don’t want to spoil the potential impact for anyone who may take their kids for a future camp.

But it was interesting seeing the separation anxiety for parents whose children had never spent a day out of their home, or those who panicked when told: “Don’t pack deodorant for your kids” and “Pack old clothes and shoes you don’t mind getting spoilt”

There was a parent who was upset that mobile phones were not allowed: “What if my child has an emergency and can’t reach me?” “Can I visit the camp every day?”

Kids luggage was inspected for “contraband” because…. well, not everyone follows the rules

The day we were finally allowed to come? The kids came sprinting to the parking lot like they had been in prison! I was so amused!

However, I will share three aspects of the camp that had a major impact on the kids.

Experience #1: Responsibility

On the first day they are given an egg and told it is their “child”. They have to carry it for all 7 days of the camp EVERYWHERE they go. The twist? If the egg breaks, they are given a huge brick. That is their new child!

The children told us for themselves how they learnt how a damaged child becomes a heavier burden to a parent. What a brilliant illustration!

At the end of the camp, the bricks and the few remaining eggs, were arranged in an altar, and we released the children from their burdens

Experience #2: “Deprivation”

The impact of this varied child to child. It included things like:

• Waking up at 5am
• Morning Exercise
• Hitch-hiking for hours
• Killing and Plucking Chickens! (The stories from this experience were hilarious)
• Cold Showers (yeah, this is ‘deprivation’)
• Each child was allocated a plate, cup, spoon and fork they had to take care of. Anything missing resulted in both child and parent doing push-ups.

Experience #3: Commissioning into Adulthood

After this ceremony, each parent was meant to have prepared a symbol of some kind to hand over to their child. This was a parental equivalent of Jacob blessing his children in Genesis 49.

By faith Jacob, when dying, blessed each of the sons of Joseph, bowing in worship over the head of his staff

Heb 11:21

This was by far the most meaningful part of the camp. It gave parents a chance to lay hands on their child, commission them to adulthood, and to pray with them. And trust me, the children held onto those symbols like gold.

Conclusion

While nothing is perfect, RoPeS was an opportunity to take my son on a journey whose impact we’re still discovering.

If you had told me before the camp that my son would have to carry a brick all day every day for a whole week, I probably would have been sceptical about his ability to do that without complaining. But he showed levels of resilience I had not had a

It also gave me an opening to have a heart to heart with him about my divorce from his mum, which is something that he had been observing but not completely grasping. After one of the activities, the camp leader told us to walk with our children and have a heart to heart. I walked with Tendai, asked him if he understood what divorce meant, and if he understood that his mum and I loved him, and that our not being together had NOTHING to do with him. He began to cry and I took him in my arms repeating “It is not your fault”. It was a powerful moment, and I think he appreciated that I trusted him and spoke to him as an adult.chance to see in him.

His relationship with God also took leaps and bounds after that, as did his maturity. 2 examples over the last few months:

1. I noticed him no longer associating with a particular friend. I asked him why and he told me that this friend told a lot of lies, and was always speaking about people behind their backs, so he chose to distance himself.
2. I picked him from school one day and a friend asked for a few more minutes because he needed to finish getting advice from Tendai. As we got in the car, I asked Tendai what kind of advice he was giving, and he told me that in his peer group, everyone comes to him for advice about life, relationships, school, etc. I was so proud!

In conclusion, the RoPeS “coming of age” activity left my son and I with a clear and memorable occasion to mark that he is no longer a child and for that I’m grateful to Musana Camps and Olga.

Way Forward

Train up a child in the way he should go: And when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 22:6 (KJV)

As parents, it is important to take the transition to adulthood seriously. Children in the modern age are way more exposed than we ever were. They have access to media, access to opinions, access to influence.

There’s a quote I can’t find right now about how anything you don’t teach your kids, someone else will! So talk to your kids, create an occassion around the move to teenage-hood, and another one at 18/19 for the transition to full adulthood.

And remember, none of us were born with parenting skills embedded in our bones. We try, we fail, we learn